The silence underneath chaos
I could stand by and watch as the sun sets
As the water glistens, I was in awe
Psychedelic as it may seem
Everything is black and white
For a moment, all i could do is
Stare and let the fleeting moments pass by
I could stand and stare as the colors fade
The waters turn from navy to mystic blue
And all could think about was you
For a moment then I knew
That moments may pass us by
I know, I’d still come back
to black and white
And in all that chaos, our silence will always be remembered.
Nowhere in between
Stuck. I am stuck. Still stuck.
I cannot move forward nor back, still- in place, comfort.
Dreaming. I am still dreaming.
Dreaming is a nightmare, fully aware that it is not there.
Counting the days is endless, nonstop. The non-existent is countless. The nothingness.
End.
Am I dead?
No. Not yet there.
Not even in between.
Good Night
What a great night it is.
What is great with the night? The night is great for sharing your innermost thoughts through writing. It is great for summoning up the courage to let your emotions run wild, shed every tear that has been lingering through the day. It is when and where we might ever feel alive – never alone for in the darkness, there is a little flicker of light.
Nocturnal is what they call us – people who are awake at night; but even during the day where I should be asleep, my eyes would keep on wandering, observing, or just merely stare blankly, fixated.
I am awake. Eyes nearly half closed. A body fully clothed. I cannot rest, nor cannot hold, all these thoughts and feelings of solitude. The night is better than the day. It is peaceful and quiet. It brings sorrow and happiness. It is all that I need, all for thy heart to heal and breathe.
It is a great night indeed.
Hanggan akala na naman
Eto na naman ako, nakikinig ng mga malulungkot na kanta habang ginagawa ang mga gawaing bahay.
Here I am again. Listening to sappy music while tidying up the house.
Tapos andyan na, andyan ka, biglang nagpakilala. Dun pa lang, sa isang simpleng hi ay alam ko na. Baka ikaw na. Baka ikaw na pala talaga.
Then here it comes, there you are, suddenly letting yourself be known – An introduction.
Baka ikaw na pala talaga ang hinihintay ng puso kong nangungulila. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ganito nlng ang ngiti ko, kahit may dalang duda ang isip ko.
Maybe you really are what my yearning heart was waiting for. My mind is clouded with doubt, but why I am smiling like this?
Baka ikaw na pala ang rason kung bakit magagamit na rin sa wakas ang load kong sa mahigit limang taon ay nangyayamot noong iniwan nya ako.
You might be the reason why I will be able to finally use my mobile credits ever since he left – more than five years ago.
Baka ikaw na pala ang muling magpapatibok ng puso kong namamayat na kahit ilang kanin pa ang sinusubo, ay tila parang gutom pa.
You might be the reason why my skinny heart will start to beat again; although no matter how much food I take, I would still get hungry.
At ikaw, baka ikaw na pala yung taong pupukaw sa mga mata kong unting unting nabubulag sa katotohanang hindi na sya babalik kailan man.
And you, maybe it is you who will wake me up from this slumber that has been blinding me little by little, from ever seeing the truth that he might never come back to me.
Sana… sana ikaw na nga.
I wish… wish that you are the one.
Sana… sana ikaw nalang.
I wish.. wishing for you to be the one.
Pwede bang ikaw nlng muna?
Can you be the one, for now?
Tuwing kausap kita, feeling ko magkatabi lng tayo. Magkatabing nagtatawanan habang kinikilala ang isa’t isa. Parang masyado na yata akong napapasaya.
Minsan naghihirit ka ng mga banat kahit alam kong hindi naman totoo, subalit ayaw kong magsinungaling, biglang napapatawa mo ko.
Ang minsang pagpapramdam moy nagiging madalas na. Kahit hanggang sa panaginip koy bigla kang nagpapakita, ngunit bigla ring nawawala.
Hindi ko man alam kung hanggan kailan o saan to papunta. Ayaw ko lang naman masaktan ng paulit ulit nlng. Ayo ko nang bumalik sa nakaraan at sabihin sa sariling “akala ko pa naman” o “akala ko wag kitang iwan”, ngunit hindi maiiwasang ito’y hanggang akala na naman.
Sana hindi nlng sinabi
Palagi mong sinasabi na huwag kitang iwan. Sabi mo kahit anong mangyari ay huwag akong bibitiw sa pangakong, “Hindi kita kailan mang iwan”.
Mahal, minsan iniisip kong totoo ba talaga ang lahat ng ito?
Baka mali ang pagkakadinig ko…biglang may bumulong sa panaginip ko.
Baka gusto mong sabihin ko sa iyo ang mga salitang binitawan mo dahil sa puntong ito parang nagiba na ang tibok ng puso mo.
sa bawat titig ko sa mga mata mo
sa bawat yakap na binibigay ko
sa bawat halik na dinidiin mo
at sa bawat oras, araw, o panahon na pinapatawa kita tila parang meron ang nag iba. tila parang lumalayo ka na.
pinagsawalang bahal ko ang lahat ng iyon dahil alam ko diyan sa puso mo
mahal mo pa ako
mahal mo rin ako
mahal, mahal mo pa ba ako?
dahil ako, alam ko, mahal kita
at mamahalin pa rin kita kahit ikaw, ayaw mo na.
Like I can
Do you still remember the time you first fell in love? Do you remember when, where, and how it started? Do you still remember your first heartache? Do you still remember the reason why? These few questions’ what keeps me awake at night.
The first question asks if I still remember the first time I fell in love. Yes. I mean, how could you forget your firsts? We were high school classmates back then. He was smart, intelligent (top of the class), funny, cute, and mysteriously serious. I was the complete opposite of him. We were completely different, and yet he sees me.
It started when we became chat mates in yahoo messenger. I was completely unaware of what he would say, but we started our conversation just fine. After a few months of communicating through chat messages, he confessed in an unusual way. I was speechless until he said, “You don’t have to say anything, I just wanted you to know”, and after that, he didn’t spoke to me for weeks. He got scared of what I would think of him, and thought that I would completely ignore him after that. A few years later, we became close and ended up falling for him. I didn’t know when it all started. I tried to trace back when I did fell for him, but I’m still clueless. I guess it doesn’t really matter because for every second that we talked, every day that we see each other, the more I fell for him.
First heartache? That’s what the third question asks. Well talking about heartache, two things come in my mind. Whether you felt heartache because you’re really happy that you can’t contain that happiness, or you’re so hurt that happiness overflows and leaves your heart broken and empty. I’ve always been blessed to have been found by him when no one else saw me. He was everything I’ve ever wanted and at the same time needed, just like I felt heartache from happiness and at the same time pain.
Just like any love story, ours has come to an end. Eventually, he ended things in which I thought he wouldn’t. Maybe it was my fault that we didn’t last long. Maybe our love isn’t just enough to be an assurance that we would still be together. There are endless questions that i would like to ask him but he’s being bleak. I haven’t seen him for a year even though we are studying at the same school. I guess he’s been busy for his future, not to mention he’s a candidate for the next mathematician of the year. I really am happy of what he has achieved, but something within me just wants to be part of it. I still hope that someday, he will change his mind and come back to me. I know it’s a selfish thing to say, but i wish that he’d still love me like he used to.
Like the moon covers the sun to bring darkness once in every day, I’d like to think that he intended to be apart from me, for me to realize the opportunities of life without him and for him to discover the possibilities of him being alone. Though the thought of future without him is tormenting, nothing could stop me from loving him. I can imagine life without him but I can’t live life imagining that he doesn’t love me anymore.
I love the way he plays the electronic keyboard, how he doesn’t care about his hairstyle, how he steals my handkerchief, how he pretends to sleep snoring, his corny jokes, his serious look, his strengths, his weaknesses, and how he loved me.
PS: I still love you, love
It was right there
All these years, we’ve been looking for that
right
moment, right time, and person for us. What we don’t know is that it’s always been there, right in front of our eyes but we’re just to blind to see.
There’s no such thing as the right moment for every second of your life counts and the experiences it bring gives more meaning for you to give it your all.
No time is worth wasted when you already envision it to be the greatest time of your life, unless otherwise you’re too caught up with pessimistic outcomes.
People. We make mistakes and oftentimes we tend to make promises that couldn’t be kept, but each person is different in their own unique way… so don’t go on cursing everyone for your downfall. What you can do for yourself is to keep it together and learn to accept the fact that neither of you is at fault and embrace the time to think things through and be a better you. As you have recovered from a downfall, you will finally realize that there’s more to life than drowning youself from sobbing – that there’s still time to find the right person and to treasure moments you envision because God has it all planned out.
It’s your choices that puts a twist into God’s plan. All you have to do is to look closely and listen- to what your heart sees and to what your mind believes. You might end up looking back thinking… it was right there all along.
Judge the book, not people.
Sometimes, we people tend to see things differently. We even create images that aren’t really there and think of things that don’t really matter, I myself can testify.
I met a girl two years ago, we were in the same class and I confess that I’ve judged her differently. She has this angelic face that could melt thousands of men but beyond that face, she has a story to tell. I really thought that she had a great life with wealthy parents, blessed with an attractive face, good education and so on. But just recently, my perspective of her completely changed.
She didn’t have responsible parents who tries to find a way to support her education and didn’t even bother to guide her while she’s growing up, and so she had to strive for herself. Her sisters and relatives would even treat her differently but she stayed strong despite her experiences.
When she was about seventeen, she worked in a club as a promoter which was secretly approved by the board because she was fresh and that she badly needed the money. Besides the club, she engaged on different jobs just to save money for her education, only few people can do that.
In her experience in the club, she met different people which were mostly older ones, wealthy older ones. As what I’ve said, she has this angelic face and has caught the eyes of these rich men– there were mayors, sons of business men and etc. but never did it cross in her mind that she would let herself be a bait just to earn money.
One of her clients suggested to pay her educational expenses if she would go out with him, and so she agreed. As soon as the days went by, juggling work and school, studying got harder for her and so she flunked all her subjects together with her educational support from him. While working at the club she had an accident that marked a scar of her sacrifice until she met one of the owners. He felt sorry for her and paid her hospital bills and eventually fell for her. He offered her to got out with him and so she did again. The man asked if he would financially support her, then she would agree to be his girlfriend and to her willingness to study again, she said yes.
They’re happily living together and she promised to herself that she will only love him for the rest of her life and if his feelings withers away, then she’ll raise her child on her own and strive to become rich so that she will never have to go back to her painful past.
The man is 52 yrs old and she’s 22. I bet you’re all shocked as soon as you have read this. I was shocked too because of their age gap but that doesn’t mean that we can judge her. In fact, They already have a 1 year old daughter (extremely cute), and the man is annulled and is free to love again to anyone. Also, she helped her older sister (who bullies) her to work in the club where she used to work and has somehow helped her family.
There are details that I haven’t mentioned but to sum it up, love doesn’t have qualifications or rules to abide, you just have to trust your feelings and understand your differences.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, It’s to never judge directly, especially people. Judging is only good in competitions but not with experiences.
Thanks for reading 🙂
Picture Imperfect
Images – they take me back to the times wherein I wished things would happen the way I pictured it to be. Right now i‘m feeling miserable while listening to “arms of an angel”, this song always takes me back during my highscool days, the memory.
I remembered during prom night, I pictured the night to be perfect and so it is, for them. I mean sometimes when everyone seems to have a good time and you‘re there waiting but nothing happens, it feels like you‘ve been left out that I just wished for the night to end quickly. I may have watch too many movies to think of a romantic scene to happen where in a middle of a crowd, you were both looking for each other, asked anyone if they‘ve seen him/her, then passed by each other without noticing until both you stopped and the music changed, you both turned around to find that you‘ve already found each other…
Rummaging thoughts and emotions
People stare and think almost every single day of the week and I, myself agree to that. In my case, I constantly observe the environment while I listen to classic songs, it’s almost as if i’m making my own music video and I admit, i’m very fond of doing it.
Most songs in my playlist would always bring tears in my eyes, to rememer the past as if my memories were a part of a great film and the song that I am hearing is the soundtrack. I could picture myself being crushed with these memories, though there were happy moments.
Now and then, I look at other people’s faces trying to depict which emotion is very common to people, and then I see nothing. There‘s no common emotion to us people for each day, we express all kinds of emotions. To think that how on earth should I know the most common emotion when I myself doesn‘t have one. For me, when I look deeper into someone else‘s eyes, my emotion shifts as if I felt what they are feeling and to know that somehow, we people can connect and communicate to one another with our own emotions.
Until now, every second of every day gets better when I am able to say what‘s in my mind and to express my emotion by writing.
Sweetangeltears 